The Crepes of Math
by Twelve Legged Turtle
Summary: A completely opposite-of-serious story that will probably feature a lot of chickens. It's as inaccurate as I intended. It's also incredibly random and probably a tad offensive at times. Enjoy. Or don't, whatever. :P
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: The Relevant Caterpillar

The gang got their grade reports.

Harry said: "I was taking maths?"

On the WPA (wizarding point average) scale, Ron got "Intelligent Sandwich", Harry got "The Chosen One" and Hermione got "Human Wand." Nobody wanted to know what Hermione's WPA meant.

Then they all ate dumb sandwiches. Not one sandwich was chicken. What a waste.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Pokemon Party

Draco Malfoy also received his grades. At seeing his WPA of "Incurable Douchebag", he was enraged! Harry Potter certainly did not receive a WPA of "Incurable Douchebag", he thought. He vowed to get revenge.

The next day, Malfoy discovered exactly how to get his revenge. He threw a Pokemon Party. Hogwarts students aplenty gathered to trade, discuss, and play Pokemon.

Harry was not invited.

By the end of the night, Dumbledore confiscated everyone's GameBoys. That spoil-sport.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: Why Asking Questions is Always a Bad Idea

One day Harry went to Dumbledore for advice.

"Dumbledore," Harry said, "how will I ever become more awesome?"

"Dye your hair green," Dumbledore said wisely. "And buy a flying motorcycle."

Harry was puzzled. Flying motorcycles weren't part of this series, were they? He left Dumbledore's office quickly, in search of the nearest Want Ads. Surely a motorcycle would help him defeat the Dark Lord. Unless—he thought—the Dark Lord already HAD a motorcycle._ NO!_

Harry ran down the halls, desolate, until he smacked right into Draco Malfoy, who was carrying a basket full of cupcakes for no apparent reason. The cupcakes all splattered onto the floor.

Draco dropped the basket and cried, "Not again! You ruin EVERYTHING, Potter! You ruined my life!" He turned and ran down the hallway in the opposite direction from which he came, sobbing.

Harry was jolted back to reality and calmly returned to his dorm. He decided to take a nap.

The cupcakes lay on the floor for hours, lonely, until finally Snape arrived.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four: The Chocolate Stole My Family

When Ginny discovered that the quickest known way to a man's heart was food, she decided to buy somebody special a Christmas present. She wrapped it very nicely with a pretty bow and distractingly shiny paper, but wrote "From Santa" on the label, because being mysterious was also the way to a man's heart.

On the special day, Harry Potter opened the beautifully wrapped gift (that he assumed was from Ron, who had mad wrapping skills), and found a bag of supple, perfectly shaped marshmallows inside.

Harry immediately fell in love with the marshmallows.

Ginny was very disappointed.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five: Snape's Mid-Life Crisis

"Let's go to Potions class, everyone," Hermione said. The others were displeased.

"The last time I went to Potions class I got the measles!" said Ron.

"Snape's been using Potions class as an excuse to try out baking," complained Harry.

Nobody wanted to point out that Snape had been seen picking a rather large mass of cupcakes off the hallway floor about a week ago. (The cupcakes, however, had not been seen since.)

"He must be having a mid-life crisis," Ron said.

Harry blinked, perplexed. "Can wizards have mid-life crises?"

"Of course they can," Hermione said. "We can only wish that he doesn't buy a convertible next."

"I think Draco Malfoy's also having one of those."

"A convertible?"

"No," Harry said, "a midlife crisis." He thought back to the way Malfoy had been glaring at him lately, with extra-loathing, and how he'd been showing off to all the girls even more than normal, and the new way he'd cut his hair. Then Harry wondered why these things were noticeable to him in the first place. "You're right. We should go to Potions class."

And they went to Potions class, during which Snape made them taste-test four types of pastries.

All agreed that something needed to be done about this.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six: Chickens

*Directly After Potions Class*

"I'm famished!" said Ron. No one had dared take a second bite of Snape's pastries, as they could be considered dangerous. The gang was walking down the halls, accompanied by some minor characters who will not be mentioned after this moment.

"I know what we need to do!" Harry shouted.

"Yes?" Ron and Hermione said (at the same time, too—a difficult feat). Ron hoped that Harry would finish with, "We need to get lunch."

"We must find Snape 'Somebody to Love,'" Harry said. He then started to sing the Justin Bieber song of the same title.

Hermione killed him.

Just kidding.

Harry did not, in fact, start to sing. He instead thought of his beloved bag of marshmallows and sighed. If Snape could find a soul mate as good as Harry's marshmallows, surely he would be cured of his mid-life crisis.

Just then, a flock of chickens scurried across the floor. Draco Malfoy chased them down the hall, his arms flailing wildly above his head. "Come back!" he cried.

Harry noticed nothing out of the ordinary about this.

Ron's stomach growled loudly. They did not get lunch after all.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven: The Magazine

One day, Professor Trelawney left a muggle magazine on a table when she left the room. Only two people took note of this—Ginny Weasley, and Draco Malfoy. Ginny snatched up the magazine as soon as possible, and flipped it open. Maybe it could tell her a secret way to win Harry's heart!

The magazine was called "Knitting Weekly". She read the headlines of each article and discovered—SOCKS. Harry would have to make the connection—socks were warm, like Ginny's heart. It was perfect.

Across the room, Draco glared at her. He didn't know what "knitting" was, but it sounded like something interesting—possibly scandalous. Why else would the Professor have a muggle magazine? He NEEDED to know the secrets of the muggle magazine. He NEEDED "Knitting Weekly".

Ginny left quickly, excited to make the socks that would get Harry away from those damned marshmallows. What a mistake those marshmallows were—she should never have listened to advice from a muggle cooking magazine!

"Knitting, knitting," Draco said. The word seemed familiar, but he couldn't place it. "Knitting."

As he went back to his room, he vowed to get that magazine in any way possible. He needed to discover what Trelawney was hiding, and what Ginny had become so instantly fascinated with—even if he had to find a way to sneak into the girls' dorms to do it!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Meanwhile, the Important Characters Conspire

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all went to the (nonexistent) Computer Lab. They uploaded some photos of Snape (carefully edited and retouched, of course) onto one of the computers, and then created a profile for their professor on a site called wizardsneedlove2. They took note that most of the other users were fantasy-video-game obsessed men, and very hairy women.

"Oh well," Ron said. "We don't know what type he'd choose anyways, really."

Hermione shot him an odd look.

"Uh-oh," Harry said: "There's a likes and dislikes section. What do we do?"

"Make them up," suggested Ron.

"Likes: magic and baking. Dislikes: bombs."

As soon as the profile was finished, five messages appeared in Snape's message inbox. One said: "Letz meat up." Harry shuddered. A second one said, "What's up?" The third: "You lookin 4 a gril?" (Harry wondered if Snape was, in fact, looking for a grill.) The fourth was completely vile, and the fifth entirely incomprehensible.

"Would you look at that, he's a hit with the ladies already," Ron pointed out.

"I'm not so certain all of these are from ladies." Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she saw some of Snape's potential suitors' profile pictures. She was pretty sure Snape was not gay. Probably. Maybe. He'd never really been seen spending time with many women since Ron, Harry, and she had arrived at Hogwarts.

Suddenly, a chat box popped up onscreen. "Hi," it said.

Harry started to type a response.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Draco Calls His Father in Secret

"Father," Draco said.

"Who is this?" Lucius Malfoy asked.

"Draco!" Draco's dream of family bonding died a slow and agonizing death.

"Oh. I was just, erm, a little surprised to hear from you."

Draco let out a relieved breath. There was hope after all! "Father," he said, "I believe there is a conspiracy going on here in the school." He paused for a long time, waiting for a gasp of some sort. Or some other sign of surprise.

"Well are you going to explain it or not?"

"Uh—yes, of course. I've come upon a secret book, a magazine. Trelawney was reading it, it's written by muggles, I think."

"What's the conspiracy, Draco?"

"Eh…I'm not sure, actually. But Ginny Weasley snatched the book up as soon as she could, as if it was VERY important. She's hiding it, keeping it to herself—"

"There's no conspiracy, Draco."

"There has to be! You didn't see the magazine! You wouldn't KNOW."

"What was the name?"

"'Knitting Weekly.'" He said the two words in an important, hushed tone so no one else could hear.

"Bloody Hell, Draco…"

There was a loud click.

"Father? Father, are you there…?" Draco stared at his phone. There WAS a conspiracy, this proved it—the call had been dropped at precisely the right time!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: No More Pastries

In Potions the next day, Snape seemed rather flighty. Everything he picked up, he dropped an average of five seconds later. He was finally teaching the right class again, though, and the only thing he cooked was a sandwich (intended for his own lunch). It burst into flames.

Ginny (who was in the wrong class) cast a spell to extinguish the flames and ended up knocking everything over instead.

"Detention!" Snape shouted.

Draco glanced at Ginny, raising an eyebrow as if to say, "My face is awesome, you should take a picture of it."

Ginny was not discouraged—perhaps in detention she could finish knitting the socks.

Snape put out the sandwich-fire and continued to teach class. He was often forgetting the ends of his sentences, and telling people the wrong ingredients for some potions (which resulted in Ron somehow growing a bushman beard), but other than that, class went rather smoothly.

"It looks like our plan is working," Ron said after class. He itched his heavily bearded chin. "He'll be happier and mid-life crisis free in no time!"

"Perhaps." Harry paused, frowning. "Was it a bad idea to give his number out online...?"


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven: Draco Tries To Bargain

Ginny sat in detention, bored. She hadn't been allowed to bring her knitting.

Draco peeked into the room. Good—no one was monitoring right now. He waltzed up to Ginny's desk.

"What do you want, Draco?" Ginny said.

He bit his lip. "I want the magazine."

"Well you can't have it, I'm using it."

"I'm willing to make a trade for it."

"Draco." She didn't even bother to look at him. "You don't HAVE anything I would trade for."

"Not even…chocolate?"

"Not even chocolate."

"What about a chicken?"

"I don't want a chicken. They poop everywhere."

"Fine!" Draco huffed. "I will HAVE that magazine, Ginny Weasley! One way or another I will!" He turned and stormed out before he could hear Ginny say, "Alright. You can have it in a few days."

Draco headed back to his dorm, devising a new plan. If Ginny wasn't willing to barter for it, she wouldn't need to.

He must really be desperate for some new clothes, Ginny thought as she stared after him.


End file.
